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Did I read that sign right? In an office: TOILET
OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
In
a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE
ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
In
a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN. In
an office: AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY
IN YOUR CAR.
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE
IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
Notice in
a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS
THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On
a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. PLEASE KNOCK
HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to send this to someone you want to bring
a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, keep on smiling.
_____________________
Sometimes, when
I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian,
you should have remained a virgin."
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was
not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her
sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark
Twain
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The secret of a good
sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people
only once a year.
- Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become
a philosopher.
- Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops
to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can't buy you happiness ..... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery
- Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was "SHUT UP".
- Joe Namath
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my
nap.
- Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work
its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you
grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
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Maybe it's true that life begins
at fifty ... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
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By
the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
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And the cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out!
May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more,
and may nothing but happiness
come through your door.
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